So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
