I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
