Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
