I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
