Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
