She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
