the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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