Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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