Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so let's talk penis.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
did i just pee glitter
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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