God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
