Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
