My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
