i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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