dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
BRING THE BAGELS
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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