I'm jealous of your bromance
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
