I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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