Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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