we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
