Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
