Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
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I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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