this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
