Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
