she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
