I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
