Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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