You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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