Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
not ubering you a puppy
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
