Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
