Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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