jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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