We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
