you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
