There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
