you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
pray to the hookup gods
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
