Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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