i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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