Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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