I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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