first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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