I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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