if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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