He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
