everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
