Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
