made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
