ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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