Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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