Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
