you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
