Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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