I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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