I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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