I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
