im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
