Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
