I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
