i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
