You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
