Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
